One Step Ahead

I don’t know why
I’m still surprised
when You’re a step ahead.
For thousands of years
You’ve heard all the tears
always done what You’ve said.
After 24 years
my life’s run by fears…
make sure life goes my way.
I try to control
I try to let go
but plans still dictate my day.
But plans get turned around
then flipped upside down
until I’m left absolutely distraught.
When from the beginning
I should have been listening
and following what I’ve been taught.
…Not taught but learned
making plans, being burned
I guess omnipotence just can’t be bought.
I’m sure several times
You’ve glanced down and sighed
“are you really doing this again?”
and maybe some day
I’ll learn to first pray
and wait to see what happens then.
Because I truly admire
those that embrace the fire
of reckless abandonment in You.
I know that its best
to let go of the rest
and fully trust in the Truth.
So please forgive my short falls
and avoidance of close calls
and my tendencies towards OCD
because my heart is yours
and I want nothing more
than to have You in front leading me.
I know that You’re there
even times when I’m scared
in Your hands always being led
and with all my mistakes
I’m so thankful for grace
and how You’re always one step ahead.

Unfair

It’s unfair.
I know.
It’s completely unfair for me to hurt
to cry
to not sleep
all over you
who
I gave up.
Apparently my heart is more involved than I thought.
It’s not my place anymore
to ask
to know
and I know that…
but it doesn’t mean I don’t…

hold my breath every time you walk by
feel my heart drop heavy and sigh
fake a smile when its everything but
overlook what feels like a knife in my gut
brush away those menacing tears
secretly long that you were still here
get hot with jealousy just at the thought
think of you and who she is not.

I want to

I want to
blurt it all out
like paintballs thrown against a white canvas
exploding everywhere
without expecting a defined outcome.

I want to
allow my heart
to venture into those tender territories
guarded by experience
and warning signs.

I want to
embrace what I feel…
not just walk down the road
but full out sprint towards the depths of my heart
pushing from my mind the unavoidable fork
just a little further along.

So what about this moment?
What do I do
in this dire need to express
release
scream out
and cry out for you.

Do I deny what’s still there?
Add another lock to the already cemented door
that the breeze so easily blows open?
Ignore the glance that grasps my heart
and demands immediate reaction?

How weak am I…
that a yes or a no
has streaks of water
running down the window of reality.
My moment’s mood
still shows if you
have been here or maybe more significantly,
that you are not.

Waves

You have a grasp on my heart
like my only access to air
is somehow both
given and restricted by
your walk through a room
your glance my way
your name mentioned in an overheard conversation.

Your eyes meet mine
and I’m washed over
with emotion.
Not just any wave
but one of those waves just a little too tall
just a little far out
just a little too powerful
off the coast of California.
As it crashes around me
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
and all I can do is wait for the panic to pass.

I feel asphyxiated.
Drowned in the thickness of your presence.
It didn’t use to hurt like this.
Overwhelm me, yes…
but then that tidal wave
would pick me up
and thrust me high into the heavens
as though I was weightless.
I felt like a bird
who couldn’t fly high enough
all the power of you supporting me…
an ecstasy my heart could scarcely contain.

And perhaps the most suffocating moment
is that second that I realize
I stood under this wave.
I walked into the ocean
and I took the risk of euphoric highs
but such unseen depth and such vast unknowns are terrifying.
I faltered
I stopped floating
and I started to drown.

So now when you pass
my lungs fill with water
my heart gasps for life
and my feet search for ground.
I want to cry out
for you to save me
to hold me
to pull me close and tell me
you’re still there.

Because I know
as much as I hate drowning
eventually
you won’t be there.
Not to lift me up
Not to cover me.
And I’m scared to death to watch that wave
filled with unmatched intensity and power
move back out to sea

without me.

Christmas

Winter whispers
Silent night
Illumination
Frosted white

Hearts aflutter
Memories awake
Ones of past
And ones to make

Truth so told
Love so sent
Words so spoken
My meaning meant

Waiting to forget you

I should be able to forget you.
or at least to leave you behind.
To go a full day
without you in the way
scripting the thoughts in my mind.

I tell myself we’ve moved on.
A new day, a new time, a new start
But although we don’t talk
You still play with the lock
I have cemented on the door to my heart.

So yes,
I’m still waiting to forget you.
I’m still waiting to get over the thrill…
But deep in my soul
I still feel that hole
And I know I never will.

Fortune Cookie

What I would give
for just one peek
A hint of truth
for which I seek

Just 5 minutes
of free-for-all
No lock, closed door
No unfair call

To see what’s behind
those dancing eyes
What you mean to say
but instead disguise

To see the ticker
across your head
proclaiming truth
you haven’t said

Your feelings shown
without a mask
My unmatched dream
forbidden task

To feel your heart
within my hand
Instead of mine
beached on the sand

I need to know
the thoughts of true
your motive here
if you are you

And if you are
what you say
Is it me
you want to stay?

Because I am here
and plan to be
but my loyal heart
beats fragility

And the curse
that’s haunting me
Does not stem
from insecurity

It is not a fear
of infidelity
or question of
feelings for me

No it is such tears
that come to be
by the simple fear
of uncertainty

And while I joke
of mystery
and your
captivating abilities

I also ache
with the unknown
vulnerable
my heart on loan

But that’s a lie
I know you see
somewhere stolen
entirely

No game of wit
risks of more
then that of heart
against closed door

So until the day
Your mind will speak
and questions subside
and peace will peak

I will remain
ever curious
and you my love
wonderfully mysterious