Waves

You have a grasp on my heart
like my only access to air
is somehow both
given and restricted by
your walk through a room
your glance my way
your name mentioned in an overheard conversation.

Your eyes meet mine
and I’m washed over
with emotion.
Not just any wave
but one of those waves just a little too tall
just a little far out
just a little too powerful
off the coast of California.
As it crashes around me
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
and all I can do is wait for the panic to pass.

I feel asphyxiated.
Drowned in the thickness of your presence.
It didn’t use to hurt like this.
Overwhelm me, yes…
but then that tidal wave
would pick me up
and thrust me high into the heavens
as though I was weightless.
I felt like a bird
who couldn’t fly high enough
all the power of you supporting me…
an ecstasy my heart could scarcely contain.

And perhaps the most suffocating moment
is that second that I realize
I stood under this wave.
I walked into the ocean
and I took the risk of euphoric highs
but such unseen depth and such vast unknowns are terrifying.
I faltered
I stopped floating
and I started to drown.

So now when you pass
my lungs fill with water
my heart gasps for life
and my feet search for ground.
I want to cry out
for you to save me
to hold me
to pull me close and tell me
you’re still there.

Because I know
as much as I hate drowning
eventually
you won’t be there.
Not to lift me up
Not to cover me.
And I’m scared to death to watch that wave
filled with unmatched intensity and power
move back out to sea

without me.