Movement

You move
farther away.
I feel it deeply.
This ripple of rhythm
touches and
brushes over me,
sparks
and disappears.
Only for a moment.
Inspiring me to follow
not you but suit
to move myself.
Slow and inconsistent
but realistically renovating.
Only for a moment.
But a moment nonetheless.
I reach
with my hand in my pocket
then turn
and move a small but necessary step.
It burns
and I close my eyes.
A temporary solution.
It is a movement.
It is real.
But only for a moment.

On the Horizon

Here it is
in front of me:
The future.
Unplanned.
Unknown.
Just me.
Tables turned,
my heart now voluntarily vulnerable.
It is an anxious exhilaration…
Like the suspense of the hinting sun
moments before breaking on the horizon
ready to explode,
to burst with energy.
And so with bated breath
I feel this unexplainable elation;
The adrenaline of knowing
that the future will be everything
and yet I know nothing.
But here I am.
Ready.

Raw

It is then that I am most me.
The raw realism of life.
Gyration of my hips moving from the depths.
The overwhelming
authentic reality that closes my eyes
and makes me feel truth
deep down into
and
within
my
core.
The pounding pulsation of the rhythm
that takes my breath away
as the music and wine both numb and magnify
within my veins,
under my skin.
My heart hammering within me.
The carnal confession of me.
All excess cut away.
And I realize...
It is you.

Competition

Tell me I won’t
and I’ll fight to win.
Say its unbeatable,
I’ll kill any sin.
Call it impossible,
I’ll fight hard and long.
Tell me I can’t and
I’ll prove that you’re wrong.

But tell me you love me
and it’s a different tune.
I want you to fight
and jump over the moon.

I don’t want to prove
that I’m better for you
or compete for attention
with other girls who
vie for your affection
and suggest rendezvous.

Genuinely choose me…
True hearts desired gaining.
Prove loyalty with action
and not just sweet sayings.

Because I will fight
for your love and your heart
but my trust is weary
and needs proof from the start
that you are serious about me
and have both feet in…
That you won’t look for outs
or other ways to begin.

I’m strong on my own
but I’d love your support.
I’ll be there for you…
I’m not the wandering sort.

I want to be chosen
like anyone would
and I have no doubt
that many could…
Because I’ve been told
that I am the one...
but I haven’t committed,
I’ve only run.

But I feel that you’re different
and I want your word…
I want your commitment…
So soon seems absurd!
But it’s true and it’s real
and scary though it may be,
I want you to choose
and I want it to be me.

Choose with your actions.
Choose when I’m there.
Choose with the way you talk.
Choose with the way you care.
Choose in front of them.
Choose by priority.
Choose with your whole heart.
Baby… please choose me.

Right There Again

Time has passed
You’re barely a friend
but I hear your voice and
I’m right there again

Your laugh rings out
My heart feels squeezed
All that laughter we shared
It’s like a tease

Your dimples show
and your eyes, they dance
I’m taken back to love
and long looks of romance

Nights of dancing, drinking,
collapsing into sheets
To love, then to sleep
Secrets of the heart meet

So I listen to your East Coast mouth
that used to seem absurd.
And now I can’t help but find
myself hanging on every word.

Your words are not to me
as they once had often been
I remember hours on the phone
and I’m right back there again

You seem uninterested
You seem to no longer care
I ache to read your mind
Your silence is hardest to bear

It’s like this sick obsession
So much pain with you so close
Yet finally being in the same room
is what seems to matter most

I watch you walk away
without even a good-bye
It’s telling of so much more
and I fight the urge to cry

I miss everything about you
My heart still needs to mend
But all it will take
is hearing your name
And I’m right back there again

random musings on the other half of my heart

I envy those who choose with their heart
Those that jump without hesitation
Not agonizing over the pros and cons
Processing and analyzing all the possible outcomes

Those that feel and act
Simplicity at its finest

The heart knows what it wants

I used to think my heart was split
That I just didn’t know what my heart truly wanted
And looking back
I realize
Hearts aren’t indecisive

I mistook my rational, overly analytical mind for the other half of my heart

I hate the thought of being unhappy
Of jumping and regretting
Of venturing into the unknown and looking back
And wondering… what if

But the heart knows what it desires
And I am now convinced that if one does not go with their heart
Those what ifs are bound to show up sooner or later
because the heart is still wanting

It’s that deep, sinking feeling in your stomach
That excited heart drop that makes it hard to breathe
That indescribable jealousy at the thought of loss to another
Those drunken tears when the world has numbed everything
except that place in your heart that cries out… because the heart knows what it wants

Rationality is worth something
But it’s not everything
Love shouldn’t always be explainable, as often the best things in life aren’t…
Faith
Hope
Forgiveness
Love

I hope I never make the same mistake again
Because love isn’t a list
And the mind is not the heart

One Step Ahead

I don’t know why
I’m still surprised
when You’re a step ahead.
For thousands of years
You’ve heard all the tears
always done what You’ve said.
After 24 years
my life’s run by fears…
make sure life goes my way.
I try to control
I try to let go
but plans still dictate my day.
But plans get turned around
then flipped upside down
until I’m left absolutely distraught.
When from the beginning
I should have been listening
and following what I’ve been taught.
…Not taught but learned
making plans, being burned
I guess omnipotence just can’t be bought.
I’m sure several times
You’ve glanced down and sighed
“are you really doing this again?”
and maybe some day
I’ll learn to first pray
and wait to see what happens then.
Because I truly admire
those that embrace the fire
of reckless abandonment in You.
I know that its best
to let go of the rest
and fully trust in the Truth.
So please forgive my short falls
and avoidance of close calls
and my tendencies towards OCD
because my heart is yours
and I want nothing more
than to have You in front leading me.
I know that You’re there
even times when I’m scared
in Your hands always being led
and with all my mistakes
I’m so thankful for grace
and how You’re always one step ahead.

Unfair

It’s unfair.
I know.
It’s completely unfair for me to hurt
to cry
to not sleep
all over you
who
I gave up.
Apparently my heart is more involved than I thought.
It’s not my place anymore
to ask
to know
and I know that…
but it doesn’t mean I don’t…

hold my breath every time you walk by
feel my heart drop heavy and sigh
fake a smile when its everything but
overlook what feels like a knife in my gut
brush away those menacing tears
secretly long that you were still here
get hot with jealousy just at the thought
think of you and who she is not.

I want to

I want to
blurt it all out
like paintballs thrown against a white canvas
exploding everywhere
without expecting a defined outcome.

I want to
allow my heart
to venture into those tender territories
guarded by experience
and warning signs.

I want to
embrace what I feel…
not just walk down the road
but full out sprint towards the depths of my heart
pushing from my mind the unavoidable fork
just a little further along.

So what about this moment?
What do I do
in this dire need to express
release
scream out
and cry out for you.

Do I deny what’s still there?
Add another lock to the already cemented door
that the breeze so easily blows open?
Ignore the glance that grasps my heart
and demands immediate reaction?

How weak am I…
that a yes or a no
has streaks of water
running down the window of reality.
My moment’s mood
still shows if you
have been here or maybe more significantly,
that you are not.

Waves

You have a grasp on my heart
like my only access to air
is somehow both
given and restricted by
your walk through a room
your glance my way
your name mentioned in an overheard conversation.

Your eyes meet mine
and I’m washed over
with emotion.
Not just any wave
but one of those waves just a little too tall
just a little far out
just a little too powerful
off the coast of California.
As it crashes around me
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
and all I can do is wait for the panic to pass.

I feel asphyxiated.
Drowned in the thickness of your presence.
It didn’t use to hurt like this.
Overwhelm me, yes…
but then that tidal wave
would pick me up
and thrust me high into the heavens
as though I was weightless.
I felt like a bird
who couldn’t fly high enough
all the power of you supporting me…
an ecstasy my heart could scarcely contain.

And perhaps the most suffocating moment
is that second that I realize
I stood under this wave.
I walked into the ocean
and I took the risk of euphoric highs
but such unseen depth and such vast unknowns are terrifying.
I faltered
I stopped floating
and I started to drown.

So now when you pass
my lungs fill with water
my heart gasps for life
and my feet search for ground.
I want to cry out
for you to save me
to hold me
to pull me close and tell me
you’re still there.

Because I know
as much as I hate drowning
eventually
you won’t be there.
Not to lift me up
Not to cover me.
And I’m scared to death to watch that wave
filled with unmatched intensity and power
move back out to sea

without me.

Christmas

Winter whispers
Silent night
Illumination
Frosted white

Hearts aflutter
Memories awake
Ones of past
And ones to make

Truth so told
Love so sent
Words so spoken
My meaning meant

Waiting to forget you

I should be able to forget you.
or at least to leave you behind.
To go a full day
without you in the way
scripting the thoughts in my mind.

I tell myself we’ve moved on.
A new day, a new time, a new start
But although we don’t talk
You still play with the lock
I have cemented on the door to my heart.

So yes,
I’m still waiting to forget you.
I’m still waiting to get over the thrill…
But deep in my soul
I still feel that hole
And I know I never will.

Fortune Cookie

What I would give
for just one peek
A hint of truth
for which I seek

Just 5 minutes
of free-for-all
No lock, closed door
No unfair call

To see what’s behind
those dancing eyes
What you mean to say
but instead disguise

To see the ticker
across your head
proclaiming truth
you haven’t said

Your feelings shown
without a mask
My unmatched dream
forbidden task

To feel your heart
within my hand
Instead of mine
beached on the sand

I need to know
the thoughts of true
your motive here
if you are you

And if you are
what you say
Is it me
you want to stay?

Because I am here
and plan to be
but my loyal heart
beats fragility

And the curse
that’s haunting me
Does not stem
from insecurity

It is not a fear
of infidelity
or question of
feelings for me

No it is such tears
that come to be
by the simple fear
of uncertainty

And while I joke
of mystery
and your
captivating abilities

I also ache
with the unknown
vulnerable
my heart on loan

But that’s a lie
I know you see
somewhere stolen
entirely

No game of wit
risks of more
then that of heart
against closed door

So until the day
Your mind will speak
and questions subside
and peace will peak

I will remain
ever curious
and you my love
wonderfully mysterious

Heart Drop

I smile when I think of those moments.
Those seconds
when my heart
would forget where
it belonged…

and drop from my chest

into your hands
like you always knew it would.

And sometimes,
when the sound of your voice comes
on the radio
loudest thing in my head

my heart will still
momentarily
forget
where
it
belongs.

I wonder

I wonder
I marvel
I stand in awe
I observe and try to picture
what it was I saw
I breathe
in and out
more aware then before
I feel my heart pounding
I feel it once more
I ponder
I wander
I chill with the breeze
I shutter
at His power
bending the tall trees
no effort
no thought
just Majestic ease
I study
the mountains
surrounding my frame
I’m dwarfed
and humbled
Its no longer the same
Who am I that I always
put my I first
to think I
knew best
so world immersed
Here the Creator
before my blind eyes
reveals his power
in nature’s disguise
If He can create
and maintain
the mountains
fill up the sky
and river’s blue fountains
why would I then
assume that He
could not run my life
as well as little me?
He knows the desires
of my precious heart
He made it
He holds it
every intricate part
So Lord
take my “I’s”
and replace them
with “Yous”
Don’t let me control
When
What
How and
Who
For like David said
in times of strife
your love Oh Lord
is better than life.
Find rest
Oh my soul
in God alone
Lord help me
to please You
with what I have sewn.
You alone
are my rock
and my salvation
protect from
the enemy
and His temptation.
Dear Lord in You
I pour out
my heart
for you know it already
and have
from the start.

Let Love Begin

The silent shutter
Of a heart’s delight
The guilty pleasure
Out of sight

The wishful dream
Night after night
The passionate desire
To be held tight

Why aren’t your arms
Reaching for me?
Why isn’t your love
The air I breathe?

Why do other men
Give so their heart
While you hold yours
Tight from the start

You the one
I call my own
I am yours
And yours alone

So don’t hold back
Please let me in
Start anew
Let love begin

The Other

When word whispers truth
And the other the same
But the two differ
Yet no ones to blame

The best things in life
Can come from these
One talks of rivers
The other of trees

Both have lived
Loved and died
Laughter so rich
Heavy deep sighs

How much to learn
From our fellow brother
If instead of ourselves
We listened to the other

Winter Secrets

You haunt my heart
like Hamlet’s ghost.
Revenge to take;
memories to host.

I cover myself
to block out the chill
to silence the hunger
to forget the thrill.

Like Winter’s last snow
in the middle of Spring,
you quiet new growth
with past lover’s sting.

For I was the one
who wished for May flowers;
who convinced myself
of December’s gray hours.

Yet now in the midst
Of fresh dew and bright sun
I find myself craving
winter secrets undone.