Unfair

It’s unfair.
I know.
It’s completely unfair for me to hurt
to cry
to not sleep
all over you
who
I gave up.
Apparently my heart is more involved than I thought.
It’s not my place anymore
to ask
to know
and I know that…
but it doesn’t mean I don’t…

hold my breath every time you walk by
feel my heart drop heavy and sigh
fake a smile when its everything but
overlook what feels like a knife in my gut
brush away those menacing tears
secretly long that you were still here
get hot with jealousy just at the thought
think of you and who she is not.

I want to

I want to
blurt it all out
like paintballs thrown against a white canvas
exploding everywhere
without expecting a defined outcome.

I want to
allow my heart
to venture into those tender territories
guarded by experience
and warning signs.

I want to
embrace what I feel…
not just walk down the road
but full out sprint towards the depths of my heart
pushing from my mind the unavoidable fork
just a little further along.

So what about this moment?
What do I do
in this dire need to express
release
scream out
and cry out for you.

Do I deny what’s still there?
Add another lock to the already cemented door
that the breeze so easily blows open?
Ignore the glance that grasps my heart
and demands immediate reaction?

How weak am I…
that a yes or a no
has streaks of water
running down the window of reality.
My moment’s mood
still shows if you
have been here or maybe more significantly,
that you are not.

Waves

You have a grasp on my heart
like my only access to air
is somehow both
given and restricted by
your walk through a room
your glance my way
your name mentioned in an overheard conversation.

Your eyes meet mine
and I’m washed over
with emotion.
Not just any wave
but one of those waves just a little too tall
just a little far out
just a little too powerful
off the coast of California.
As it crashes around me
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
and all I can do is wait for the panic to pass.

I feel asphyxiated.
Drowned in the thickness of your presence.
It didn’t use to hurt like this.
Overwhelm me, yes…
but then that tidal wave
would pick me up
and thrust me high into the heavens
as though I was weightless.
I felt like a bird
who couldn’t fly high enough
all the power of you supporting me…
an ecstasy my heart could scarcely contain.

And perhaps the most suffocating moment
is that second that I realize
I stood under this wave.
I walked into the ocean
and I took the risk of euphoric highs
but such unseen depth and such vast unknowns are terrifying.
I faltered
I stopped floating
and I started to drown.

So now when you pass
my lungs fill with water
my heart gasps for life
and my feet search for ground.
I want to cry out
for you to save me
to hold me
to pull me close and tell me
you’re still there.

Because I know
as much as I hate drowning
eventually
you won’t be there.
Not to lift me up
Not to cover me.
And I’m scared to death to watch that wave
filled with unmatched intensity and power
move back out to sea

without me.

Christmas

Winter whispers
Silent night
Illumination
Frosted white

Hearts aflutter
Memories awake
Ones of past
And ones to make

Truth so told
Love so sent
Words so spoken
My meaning meant

Waiting to forget you

I should be able to forget you.
or at least to leave you behind.
To go a full day
without you in the way
scripting the thoughts in my mind.

I tell myself we’ve moved on.
A new day, a new time, a new start
But although we don’t talk
You still play with the lock
I have cemented on the door to my heart.

So yes,
I’m still waiting to forget you.
I’m still waiting to get over the thrill…
But deep in my soul
I still feel that hole
And I know I never will.

Fortune Cookie

What I would give
for just one peek
A hint of truth
for which I seek

Just 5 minutes
of free-for-all
No lock, closed door
No unfair call

To see what’s behind
those dancing eyes
What you mean to say
but instead disguise

To see the ticker
across your head
proclaiming truth
you haven’t said

Your feelings shown
without a mask
My unmatched dream
forbidden task

To feel your heart
within my hand
Instead of mine
beached on the sand

I need to know
the thoughts of true
your motive here
if you are you

And if you are
what you say
Is it me
you want to stay?

Because I am here
and plan to be
but my loyal heart
beats fragility

And the curse
that’s haunting me
Does not stem
from insecurity

It is not a fear
of infidelity
or question of
feelings for me

No it is such tears
that come to be
by the simple fear
of uncertainty

And while I joke
of mystery
and your
captivating abilities

I also ache
with the unknown
vulnerable
my heart on loan

But that’s a lie
I know you see
somewhere stolen
entirely

No game of wit
risks of more
then that of heart
against closed door

So until the day
Your mind will speak
and questions subside
and peace will peak

I will remain
ever curious
and you my love
wonderfully mysterious

Heart Drop

I smile when I think of those moments.
Those seconds
when my heart
would forget where
it belonged…

and drop from my chest

into your hands
like you always knew it would.

And sometimes,
when the sound of your voice comes
on the radio
loudest thing in my head

my heart will still
momentarily
forget
where
it
belongs.

I wonder

I wonder
I marvel
I stand in awe
I observe and try to picture
what it was I saw
I breathe
in and out
more aware then before
I feel my heart pounding
I feel it once more
I ponder
I wander
I chill with the breeze
I shutter
at His power
bending the tall trees
no effort
no thought
just Majestic ease
I study
the mountains
surrounding my frame
I’m dwarfed
and humbled
Its no longer the same
Who am I that I always
put my I first
to think I
knew best
so world immersed
Here the Creator
before my blind eyes
reveals his power
in nature’s disguise
If He can create
and maintain
the mountains
fill up the sky
and river’s blue fountains
why would I then
assume that He
could not run my life
as well as little me?
He knows the desires
of my precious heart
He made it
He holds it
every intricate part
So Lord
take my “I’s”
and replace them
with “Yous”
Don’t let me control
When
What
How and
Who
For like David said
in times of strife
your love Oh Lord
is better than life.
Find rest
Oh my soul
in God alone
Lord help me
to please You
with what I have sewn.
You alone
are my rock
and my salvation
protect from
the enemy
and His temptation.
Dear Lord in You
I pour out
my heart
for you know it already
and have
from the start.

Let Love Begin

The silent shutter
Of a heart’s delight
The guilty pleasure
Out of sight

The wishful dream
Night after night
The passionate desire
To be held tight

Why aren’t your arms
Reaching for me?
Why isn’t your love
The air I breathe?

Why do other men
Give so their heart
While you hold yours
Tight from the start

You the one
I call my own
I am yours
And yours alone

So don’t hold back
Please let me in
Start anew
Let love begin

The Other

When word whispers truth
And the other the same
But the two differ
Yet no ones to blame

The best things in life
Can come from these
One talks of rivers
The other of trees

Both have lived
Loved and died
Laughter so rich
Heavy deep sighs

How much to learn
From our fellow brother
If instead of ourselves
We listened to the other

Winter Secrets

You haunt my heart
like Hamlet’s ghost.
Revenge to take;
memories to host.

I cover myself
to block out the chill
to silence the hunger
to forget the thrill.

Like Winter’s last snow
in the middle of Spring,
you quiet new growth
with past lover’s sting.

For I was the one
who wished for May flowers;
who convinced myself
of December’s gray hours.

Yet now in the midst
Of fresh dew and bright sun
I find myself craving
winter secrets undone.