An untraditional but urgent haiku

Fuck.
Anytime I check my phone,
even though I know you won't,
I still hope to see your name.

Irrepressible Intoxication

How you intoxicate me!
Passion like
the sunrise
sweeping across the sky
and I am caught up in you.
Beautifully unmatched
without limitations or regulation.
Irrepressible intoxication.
Forbidden desires burst
in full color
illuminating truth.
I watch in envy as the sun spreads,
soaring and stretching,
indulging it’s aching need
to be set free.
Your name is on my lips.
You smile in my heart.
Passion
completely content
if only
for this moment.

Run

I want to run…
my heart pounding in my head.
Dominating all else.
Am I alone in this?
Am I the only one
bursting with passion
aching to be set free?
Without restriction.
Without judgment.
I want to run like my heart is the only thing
able to make me fall
and yet
keeping me from falling…
The critical muscle motivating.
I want to feel the adrenalin rush
of running straight for the edge
jumping with full force
falling at full speed
and those moments in the air
released where
there is contentment
excitement
passion…
and I surrender
and I am set free.

Forever Love

Time is but
an assessment of truth.
The tick of the clock
mimics
the beat of my heart
and yet I watch my truth stand still.
I am no horologist…
I only feel the inescapable effects of passing moments
and the reality that leaves it’s footprints to find.
Out of control,
but not complacent,
I await the colors of the sunrise
in eager anticipation…
to see if the hues are the same again this morning
are the same again this evening,
are still true,
exquisitely exploding across the incredible expanse of my heart.
And I wonder wholeheartedly if they will ever change.
Perhaps not.
And so will stand the test of time
and heart’s assessment of truth.

Dreams

Dreams have a way...
They have a way
when you are at your most defenseless, collapsed in silent slumber
of stripping away all fallacies and masks, leaving only the raw and true
and nothing you can do about it.

Sure there are those dreams here and there that come out of left field,
those nights your brain kind of empties out all the trash
it didn’t know what to do with
and you wake up wondering if you have a mental issue you should see someone about.

Or there are the dreams that could have happened during the day,
going through the normal routines
talking to the normal people
about this and that
and you wake up wondering if you even fell asleep in the first place.

But I’m talking about a different kind of dream.
The ones that call you out,
that speak truth you may or may not want to hear.
The dreams where while you’re in them, everything is right
real,
true…
because it is.
And with the realization of waking up
you lay in bed letting that reality soak in,
forced to admit the authenticity that just uncovered itself
while you were vulnerably unconscious.

Why

The curiosities are overwhelming;
Forbidden but present,
like faint morning mist
felt when you breathe…
but it’s grasp is unattainable.
The questions are pointless
but the heart knows no boundary
of society and regulation.
I distract myself
and push the pull away
that returns every day.
The questions that surface
in my stomach as a knot
in my chest as a fist,
clenching the very strength of me.
The thoughts come and go
with the feelings always there:
a bittersweet remembrance
of a love so rare.

I turn and look the other way.
A process
I am all too familiar with…
I reach
with my hand in my pocket
then turn
and move a small but necessary step.
I wonder how much is evident.
My truth tends to wear itself on my sleeve.
Your voice.
Your words.
Simply
the excitement and ease of you.
A forbidden memory
but a genuine smile,
a deep word,
a racing heart.

Movement

You move
farther away.
I feel it deeply.
This ripple of rhythm
touches and
brushes over me,
sparks
and disappears.
Only for a moment.
Inspiring me to follow
not you but suit
to move myself.
Slow and inconsistent
but realistically renovating.
Only for a moment.
But a moment nonetheless.
I reach
with my hand in my pocket
then turn
and move a small but necessary step.
It burns
and I close my eyes.
A temporary solution.
It is a movement.
It is real.
But only for a moment.

On the Horizon

Here it is
in front of me:
The future.
Unplanned.
Unknown.
Just me.
Tables turned,
my heart now voluntarily vulnerable.
It is an anxious exhilaration…
Like the suspense of the hinting sun
moments before breaking on the horizon
ready to explode,
to burst with energy.
And so with bated breath
I feel this unexplainable elation;
The adrenaline of knowing
that the future will be everything
and yet I know nothing.
But here I am.
Ready.

Raw

It is then that I am most me.
The raw realism of life.
Gyration of my hips moving from the depths.
The overwhelming
authentic reality that closes my eyes
and makes me feel truth
deep down into
and
within
my
core.
The pounding pulsation of the rhythm
that takes my breath away
as the music and wine both numb and magnify
within my veins,
under my skin.
My heart hammering within me.
The carnal confession of me.
All excess cut away.
And I realize...
It is you.

Competition

Tell me I won’t
and I’ll fight to win.
Say its unbeatable,
I’ll kill any sin.
Call it impossible,
I’ll fight hard and long.
Tell me I can’t and
I’ll prove that you’re wrong.

But tell me you love me
and it’s a different tune.
I want you to fight
and jump over the moon.

I don’t want to prove
that I’m better for you
or compete for attention
with other girls who
vie for your affection
and suggest rendezvous.

Genuinely choose me…
True hearts desired gaining.
Prove loyalty with action
and not just sweet sayings.

Because I will fight
for your love and your heart
but my trust is weary
and needs proof from the start
that you are serious about me
and have both feet in…
That you won’t look for outs
or other ways to begin.

I’m strong on my own
but I’d love your support.
I’ll be there for you…
I’m not the wandering sort.

I want to be chosen
like anyone would
and I have no doubt
that many could…
Because I’ve been told
that I am the one...
but I haven’t committed,
I’ve only run.

But I feel that you’re different
and I want your word…
I want your commitment…
So soon seems absurd!
But it’s true and it’s real
and scary though it may be,
I want you to choose
and I want it to be me.

Choose with your actions.
Choose when I’m there.
Choose with the way you talk.
Choose with the way you care.
Choose in front of them.
Choose by priority.
Choose with your whole heart.
Baby… please choose me.

Right There Again

Time has passed
You’re barely a friend
but I hear your voice and
I’m right there again

Your laugh rings out
My heart feels squeezed
All that laughter we shared
It’s like a tease

Your dimples show
and your eyes, they dance
I’m taken back to love
and long looks of romance

Nights of dancing, drinking,
collapsing into sheets
To love, then to sleep
Secrets of the heart meet

So I listen to your East Coast mouth
that used to seem absurd.
And now I can’t help but find
myself hanging on every word.

Your words are not to me
as they once had often been
I remember hours on the phone
and I’m right back there again

You seem uninterested
You seem to no longer care
I ache to read your mind
Your silence is hardest to bear

It’s like this sick obsession
So much pain with you so close
Yet finally being in the same room
is what seems to matter most

I watch you walk away
without even a good-bye
It’s telling of so much more
and I fight the urge to cry

I miss everything about you
My heart still needs to mend
But all it will take
is hearing your name
And I’m right back there again

random musings on the other half of my heart

I envy those who choose with their heart
Those that jump without hesitation
Not agonizing over the pros and cons
Processing and analyzing all the possible outcomes

Those that feel and act
Simplicity at its finest

The heart knows what it wants

I used to think my heart was split
That I just didn’t know what my heart truly wanted
And looking back
I realize
Hearts aren’t indecisive

I mistook my rational, overly analytical mind for the other half of my heart

I hate the thought of being unhappy
Of jumping and regretting
Of venturing into the unknown and looking back
And wondering… what if

But the heart knows what it desires
And I am now convinced that if one does not go with their heart
Those what ifs are bound to show up sooner or later
because the heart is still wanting

It’s that deep, sinking feeling in your stomach
That excited heart drop that makes it hard to breathe
That indescribable jealousy at the thought of loss to another
Those drunken tears when the world has numbed everything
except that place in your heart that cries out… because the heart knows what it wants

Rationality is worth something
But it’s not everything
Love shouldn’t always be explainable, as often the best things in life aren’t…
Faith
Hope
Forgiveness
Love

I hope I never make the same mistake again
Because love isn’t a list
And the mind is not the heart

One Step Ahead

I don’t know why
I’m still surprised
when You’re a step ahead.
For thousands of years
You’ve heard all the tears
always done what You’ve said.
After 24 years
my life’s run by fears…
make sure life goes my way.
I try to control
I try to let go
but plans still dictate my day.
But plans get turned around
then flipped upside down
until I’m left absolutely distraught.
When from the beginning
I should have been listening
and following what I’ve been taught.
…Not taught but learned
making plans, being burned
I guess omnipotence just can’t be bought.
I’m sure several times
You’ve glanced down and sighed
“are you really doing this again?”
and maybe some day
I’ll learn to first pray
and wait to see what happens then.
Because I truly admire
those that embrace the fire
of reckless abandonment in You.
I know that its best
to let go of the rest
and fully trust in the Truth.
So please forgive my short falls
and avoidance of close calls
and my tendencies towards OCD
because my heart is yours
and I want nothing more
than to have You in front leading me.
I know that You’re there
even times when I’m scared
in Your hands always being led
and with all my mistakes
I’m so thankful for grace
and how You’re always one step ahead.

Unfair

It’s unfair.
I know.
It’s completely unfair for me to hurt
to cry
to not sleep
all over you
who
I gave up.
Apparently my heart is more involved than I thought.
It’s not my place anymore
to ask
to know
and I know that…
but it doesn’t mean I don’t…

hold my breath every time you walk by
feel my heart drop heavy and sigh
fake a smile when its everything but
overlook what feels like a knife in my gut
brush away those menacing tears
secretly long that you were still here
get hot with jealousy just at the thought
think of you and who she is not.

I want to

I want to
blurt it all out
like paintballs thrown against a white canvas
exploding everywhere
without expecting a defined outcome.

I want to
allow my heart
to venture into those tender territories
guarded by experience
and warning signs.

I want to
embrace what I feel…
not just walk down the road
but full out sprint towards the depths of my heart
pushing from my mind the unavoidable fork
just a little further along.

So what about this moment?
What do I do
in this dire need to express
release
scream out
and cry out for you.

Do I deny what’s still there?
Add another lock to the already cemented door
that the breeze so easily blows open?
Ignore the glance that grasps my heart
and demands immediate reaction?

How weak am I…
that a yes or a no
has streaks of water
running down the window of reality.
My moment’s mood
still shows if you
have been here or maybe more significantly,
that you are not.

Waves

You have a grasp on my heart
like my only access to air
is somehow both
given and restricted by
your walk through a room
your glance my way
your name mentioned in an overheard conversation.

Your eyes meet mine
and I’m washed over
with emotion.
Not just any wave
but one of those waves just a little too tall
just a little far out
just a little too powerful
off the coast of California.
As it crashes around me
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
and all I can do is wait for the panic to pass.

I feel asphyxiated.
Drowned in the thickness of your presence.
It didn’t use to hurt like this.
Overwhelm me, yes…
but then that tidal wave
would pick me up
and thrust me high into the heavens
as though I was weightless.
I felt like a bird
who couldn’t fly high enough
all the power of you supporting me…
an ecstasy my heart could scarcely contain.

And perhaps the most suffocating moment
is that second that I realize
I stood under this wave.
I walked into the ocean
and I took the risk of euphoric highs
but such unseen depth and such vast unknowns are terrifying.
I faltered
I stopped floating
and I started to drown.

So now when you pass
my lungs fill with water
my heart gasps for life
and my feet search for ground.
I want to cry out
for you to save me
to hold me
to pull me close and tell me
you’re still there.

Because I know
as much as I hate drowning
eventually
you won’t be there.
Not to lift me up
Not to cover me.
And I’m scared to death to watch that wave
filled with unmatched intensity and power
move back out to sea

without me.

Christmas

Winter whispers
Silent night
Illumination
Frosted white

Hearts aflutter
Memories awake
Ones of past
And ones to make

Truth so told
Love so sent
Words so spoken
My meaning meant

Waiting to forget you

I should be able to forget you.
or at least to leave you behind.
To go a full day
without you in the way
scripting the thoughts in my mind.

I tell myself we’ve moved on.
A new day, a new time, a new start
But although we don’t talk
You still play with the lock
I have cemented on the door to my heart.

So yes,
I’m still waiting to forget you.
I’m still waiting to get over the thrill…
But deep in my soul
I still feel that hole
And I know I never will.

Fortune Cookie

What I would give
for just one peek
A hint of truth
for which I seek

Just 5 minutes
of free-for-all
No lock, closed door
No unfair call

To see what’s behind
those dancing eyes
What you mean to say
but instead disguise

To see the ticker
across your head
proclaiming truth
you haven’t said

Your feelings shown
without a mask
My unmatched dream
forbidden task

To feel your heart
within my hand
Instead of mine
beached on the sand

I need to know
the thoughts of true
your motive here
if you are you

And if you are
what you say
Is it me
you want to stay?

Because I am here
and plan to be
but my loyal heart
beats fragility

And the curse
that’s haunting me
Does not stem
from insecurity

It is not a fear
of infidelity
or question of
feelings for me

No it is such tears
that come to be
by the simple fear
of uncertainty

And while I joke
of mystery
and your
captivating abilities

I also ache
with the unknown
vulnerable
my heart on loan

But that’s a lie
I know you see
somewhere stolen
entirely

No game of wit
risks of more
then that of heart
against closed door

So until the day
Your mind will speak
and questions subside
and peace will peak

I will remain
ever curious
and you my love
wonderfully mysterious

Heart Drop

I smile when I think of those moments.
Those seconds
when my heart
would forget where
it belonged…

and drop from my chest

into your hands
like you always knew it would.

And sometimes,
when the sound of your voice comes
on the radio
loudest thing in my head

my heart will still
momentarily
forget
where
it
belongs.