Right There Again

Time has passed
You’re barely a friend
but I hear your voice and
I’m right there again

Your laugh rings out
My heart feels squeezed
All that laughter we shared
It’s like a tease

Your dimples show
and your eyes, they dance
I’m taken back to love
and long looks of romance

Nights of dancing, drinking,
collapsing into sheets
To love, then to sleep
Secrets of the heart meet

So I listen to your East Coast mouth
that used to seem absurd.
And now I can’t help but find
myself hanging on every word.

Your words are not to me
as they once had often been
I remember hours on the phone
and I’m right back there again

You seem uninterested
You seem to no longer care
I ache to read your mind
Your silence is hardest to bear

It’s like this sick obsession
So much pain with you so close
Yet finally being in the same room
is what seems to matter most

I watch you walk away
without even a good-bye
It’s telling of so much more
and I fight the urge to cry

I miss everything about you
My heart still needs to mend
But all it will take
is hearing your name
And I’m right back there again

random musings on the other half of my heart

I envy those who choose with their heart
Those that jump without hesitation
Not agonizing over the pros and cons
Processing and analyzing all the possible outcomes

Those that feel and act
Simplicity at its finest

The heart knows what it wants

I used to think my heart was split
That I just didn’t know what my heart truly wanted
And looking back
I realize
Hearts aren’t indecisive

I mistook my rational, overly analytical mind for the other half of my heart

I hate the thought of being unhappy
Of jumping and regretting
Of venturing into the unknown and looking back
And wondering… what if

But the heart knows what it desires
And I am now convinced that if one does not go with their heart
Those what ifs are bound to show up sooner or later
because the heart is still wanting

It’s that deep, sinking feeling in your stomach
That excited heart drop that makes it hard to breathe
That indescribable jealousy at the thought of loss to another
Those drunken tears when the world has numbed everything
except that place in your heart that cries out… because the heart knows what it wants

Rationality is worth something
But it’s not everything
Love shouldn’t always be explainable, as often the best things in life aren’t…
Faith
Hope
Forgiveness
Love

I hope I never make the same mistake again
Because love isn’t a list
And the mind is not the heart

One Step Ahead

I don’t know why
I’m still surprised
when You’re a step ahead.
For thousands of years
You’ve heard all the tears
always done what You’ve said.
After 24 years
my life’s run by fears…
make sure life goes my way.
I try to control
I try to let go
but plans still dictate my day.
But plans get turned around
then flipped upside down
until I’m left absolutely distraught.
When from the beginning
I should have been listening
and following what I’ve been taught.
…Not taught but learned
making plans, being burned
I guess omnipotence just can’t be bought.
I’m sure several times
You’ve glanced down and sighed
“are you really doing this again?”
and maybe some day
I’ll learn to first pray
and wait to see what happens then.
Because I truly admire
those that embrace the fire
of reckless abandonment in You.
I know that its best
to let go of the rest
and fully trust in the Truth.
So please forgive my short falls
and avoidance of close calls
and my tendencies towards OCD
because my heart is yours
and I want nothing more
than to have You in front leading me.
I know that You’re there
even times when I’m scared
in Your hands always being led
and with all my mistakes
I’m so thankful for grace
and how You’re always one step ahead.

Unfair

It’s unfair.
I know.
It’s completely unfair for me to hurt
to cry
to not sleep
all over you
who
I gave up.
Apparently my heart is more involved than I thought.
It’s not my place anymore
to ask
to know
and I know that…
but it doesn’t mean I don’t…

hold my breath every time you walk by
feel my heart drop heavy and sigh
fake a smile when its everything but
overlook what feels like a knife in my gut
brush away those menacing tears
secretly long that you were still here
get hot with jealousy just at the thought
think of you and who she is not.

I want to

I want to
blurt it all out
like paintballs thrown against a white canvas
exploding everywhere
without expecting a defined outcome.

I want to
allow my heart
to venture into those tender territories
guarded by experience
and warning signs.

I want to
embrace what I feel…
not just walk down the road
but full out sprint towards the depths of my heart
pushing from my mind the unavoidable fork
just a little further along.

So what about this moment?
What do I do
in this dire need to express
release
scream out
and cry out for you.

Do I deny what’s still there?
Add another lock to the already cemented door
that the breeze so easily blows open?
Ignore the glance that grasps my heart
and demands immediate reaction?

How weak am I…
that a yes or a no
has streaks of water
running down the window of reality.
My moment’s mood
still shows if you
have been here or maybe more significantly,
that you are not.

Waves

You have a grasp on my heart
like my only access to air
is somehow both
given and restricted by
your walk through a room
your glance my way
your name mentioned in an overheard conversation.

Your eyes meet mine
and I’m washed over
with emotion.
Not just any wave
but one of those waves just a little too tall
just a little far out
just a little too powerful
off the coast of California.
As it crashes around me
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
and all I can do is wait for the panic to pass.

I feel asphyxiated.
Drowned in the thickness of your presence.
It didn’t use to hurt like this.
Overwhelm me, yes…
but then that tidal wave
would pick me up
and thrust me high into the heavens
as though I was weightless.
I felt like a bird
who couldn’t fly high enough
all the power of you supporting me…
an ecstasy my heart could scarcely contain.

And perhaps the most suffocating moment
is that second that I realize
I stood under this wave.
I walked into the ocean
and I took the risk of euphoric highs
but such unseen depth and such vast unknowns are terrifying.
I faltered
I stopped floating
and I started to drown.

So now when you pass
my lungs fill with water
my heart gasps for life
and my feet search for ground.
I want to cry out
for you to save me
to hold me
to pull me close and tell me
you’re still there.

Because I know
as much as I hate drowning
eventually
you won’t be there.
Not to lift me up
Not to cover me.
And I’m scared to death to watch that wave
filled with unmatched intensity and power
move back out to sea

without me.

Christmas

Winter whispers
Silent night
Illumination
Frosted white

Hearts aflutter
Memories awake
Ones of past
And ones to make

Truth so told
Love so sent
Words so spoken
My meaning meant