Raw

It is then that I am most me.
The raw realism of life.
Gyration of my hips moving from the depths.
The overwhelming
authentic reality that closes my eyes
and makes me feel truth
deep down into
and
within
my
core.
The pounding pulsation of the rhythm
that takes my breath away
as the music and wine both numb and magnify
within my veins,
under my skin.
My heart hammering within me.
The carnal confession of me.
All excess cut away.
And I realize...
It is you.

Competition

Tell me I won’t
and I’ll fight to win.
Say its unbeatable,
I’ll kill any sin.
Call it impossible,
I’ll fight hard and long.
Tell me I can’t and
I’ll prove that you’re wrong.

But tell me you love me
and it’s a different tune.
I want you to fight
and jump over the moon.

I don’t want to prove
that I’m better for you
or compete for attention
with other girls who
vie for your affection
and suggest rendezvous.

Genuinely choose me…
True hearts desired gaining.
Prove loyalty with action
and not just sweet sayings.

Because I will fight
for your love and your heart
but my trust is weary
and needs proof from the start
that you are serious about me
and have both feet in…
That you won’t look for outs
or other ways to begin.

I’m strong on my own
but I’d love your support.
I’ll be there for you…
I’m not the wandering sort.

I want to be chosen
like anyone would
and I have no doubt
that many could…
Because I’ve been told
that I am the one...
but I haven’t committed,
I’ve only run.

But I feel that you’re different
and I want your word…
I want your commitment…
So soon seems absurd!
But it’s true and it’s real
and scary though it may be,
I want you to choose
and I want it to be me.

Choose with your actions.
Choose when I’m there.
Choose with the way you talk.
Choose with the way you care.
Choose in front of them.
Choose by priority.
Choose with your whole heart.
Baby… please choose me.

Right There Again

Time has passed
You’re barely a friend
but I hear your voice and
I’m right there again

Your laugh rings out
My heart feels squeezed
All that laughter we shared
It’s like a tease

Your dimples show
and your eyes, they dance
I’m taken back to love
and long looks of romance

Nights of dancing, drinking,
collapsing into sheets
To love, then to sleep
Secrets of the heart meet

So I listen to your East Coast mouth
that used to seem absurd.
And now I can’t help but find
myself hanging on every word.

Your words are not to me
as they once had often been
I remember hours on the phone
and I’m right back there again

You seem uninterested
You seem to no longer care
I ache to read your mind
Your silence is hardest to bear

It’s like this sick obsession
So much pain with you so close
Yet finally being in the same room
is what seems to matter most

I watch you walk away
without even a good-bye
It’s telling of so much more
and I fight the urge to cry

I miss everything about you
My heart still needs to mend
But all it will take
is hearing your name
And I’m right back there again

random musings on the other half of my heart

I envy those who choose with their heart
Those that jump without hesitation
Not agonizing over the pros and cons
Processing and analyzing all the possible outcomes

Those that feel and act
Simplicity at its finest

The heart knows what it wants

I used to think my heart was split
That I just didn’t know what my heart truly wanted
And looking back
I realize
Hearts aren’t indecisive

I mistook my rational, overly analytical mind for the other half of my heart

I hate the thought of being unhappy
Of jumping and regretting
Of venturing into the unknown and looking back
And wondering… what if

But the heart knows what it desires
And I am now convinced that if one does not go with their heart
Those what ifs are bound to show up sooner or later
because the heart is still wanting

It’s that deep, sinking feeling in your stomach
That excited heart drop that makes it hard to breathe
That indescribable jealousy at the thought of loss to another
Those drunken tears when the world has numbed everything
except that place in your heart that cries out… because the heart knows what it wants

Rationality is worth something
But it’s not everything
Love shouldn’t always be explainable, as often the best things in life aren’t…
Faith
Hope
Forgiveness
Love

I hope I never make the same mistake again
Because love isn’t a list
And the mind is not the heart

One Step Ahead

I don’t know why
I’m still surprised
when You’re a step ahead.
For thousands of years
You’ve heard all the tears
always done what You’ve said.
After 24 years
my life’s run by fears…
make sure life goes my way.
I try to control
I try to let go
but plans still dictate my day.
But plans get turned around
then flipped upside down
until I’m left absolutely distraught.
When from the beginning
I should have been listening
and following what I’ve been taught.
…Not taught but learned
making plans, being burned
I guess omnipotence just can’t be bought.
I’m sure several times
You’ve glanced down and sighed
“are you really doing this again?”
and maybe some day
I’ll learn to first pray
and wait to see what happens then.
Because I truly admire
those that embrace the fire
of reckless abandonment in You.
I know that its best
to let go of the rest
and fully trust in the Truth.
So please forgive my short falls
and avoidance of close calls
and my tendencies towards OCD
because my heart is yours
and I want nothing more
than to have You in front leading me.
I know that You’re there
even times when I’m scared
in Your hands always being led
and with all my mistakes
I’m so thankful for grace
and how You’re always one step ahead.

Unfair

It’s unfair.
I know.
It’s completely unfair for me to hurt
to cry
to not sleep
all over you
who
I gave up.
Apparently my heart is more involved than I thought.
It’s not my place anymore
to ask
to know
and I know that…
but it doesn’t mean I don’t…

hold my breath every time you walk by
feel my heart drop heavy and sigh
fake a smile when its everything but
overlook what feels like a knife in my gut
brush away those menacing tears
secretly long that you were still here
get hot with jealousy just at the thought
think of you and who she is not.

I want to

I want to
blurt it all out
like paintballs thrown against a white canvas
exploding everywhere
without expecting a defined outcome.

I want to
allow my heart
to venture into those tender territories
guarded by experience
and warning signs.

I want to
embrace what I feel…
not just walk down the road
but full out sprint towards the depths of my heart
pushing from my mind the unavoidable fork
just a little further along.

So what about this moment?
What do I do
in this dire need to express
release
scream out
and cry out for you.

Do I deny what’s still there?
Add another lock to the already cemented door
that the breeze so easily blows open?
Ignore the glance that grasps my heart
and demands immediate reaction?

How weak am I…
that a yes or a no
has streaks of water
running down the window of reality.
My moment’s mood
still shows if you
have been here or maybe more significantly,
that you are not.